Friday, April 9, 2010

The List

I’ve been sensing that God is preparing me for a change. Not sure if it’s geographical, mental, maybe even career-related. But I’m waiting to find out. As yet He hasn’t revealed to me what or where or if it is.

The other morning, during my dawn prayer-time, He asked me to write a list. It was a list of “things” that I have, over the last 2 or 3 years, lost my passion for. The list was something like this:

*My job is just a job; there is no passion or drive to create a career. I do it well, I attempt to enjoy it while I’m at work, but I walk out the door at the end of my shift and it’s out of mind.

*The only people I would consider my “best friends” live in Uganda and I get to see them for 24-36 hours every 2 years. That was last weekend and I enjoyed their visist and now I am “best friendless”.

*I feel like we are on the precipice of financial ruin on a constant basis. It doesn’t keep me up at night, but when I look at Andrew’s teeth, or feel the shimmy in the front end of my truck, I have to admit, it catches my breath. Sometimes.

*I have no relationship with my sisters.

*My two- (three-?) year obsession with writing has dissipated to almost nil. Perhaps the drive to get published has dissipated for I still feel a desire to write. But it can be ignored, unlike last month when I wanted to scream because I could only get 900 words down before life intruded.

*My health is dismal and I don’t do anything about it. And I want to; I feel so much better even 20 pounds lighter. But…

So I looked at the list and thought, “How sad is this list.”

And then I felt washed in freedom! I was free from condemnation, urgency, guilt, dissatisfaction, anxiety. Because God is all I need. He wants me to enjoy life, but He wants me to know in the end, it's all dust in the wind. What matters is Him.

Of that list, the only one I think I might need help with getting free is the financial worries. I’m not asking God to make me rich. I just get tired of worrying every week about the vehicles, every month about the rent, and the occasional "what ifs".

So Father God, please make me rich with the confidence that you are sufficient for all my needs. Your promises are infinitely more powerful than my bills. Amen!

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